As clergy, there is one question I dislike perhaps more than any other. It is not “Are you allowed to swear?” or “You can be a priest and be married?” or even “What’s it like to only work one day a week?” The question that is the hardest for me to answer is “So what do I call you?”
Because the honest answer is – I don’t know. Father Grey, Reverend Grey, Pastor Grey, Hey you – all work equally well and I am keenly aware that often people bring their own reservations, baggage and worries to the conversation so it is easier to default. When I served in Miami, I was Father Grey because it was a very Catholic city and many congregants were Latin@s who had grown up in the Catholic church. In Baltimore many people referred to me as Pastor Grey because the majority of the city churches (and believers) were black Baptists, AME, or from other evangelical traditions. Many of you have asked me this question since I have arrived here and I am afraid I have not given particularly good answers to this question.
There is another, shadow, side to this question however. As a straight white man in a predominantly white denomination I rarely, if ever, face challenges to my ordination or to my authority in the church. It is something I, perhaps too often, take for granted. Having the Rev. George and Kate join us, as well as the continued support of Deacons Nancy, Joann and Jill, And the Rev.’s Ann+, Mid+, Sally+, Marion+, and Jim+ I am continually reminded that such a privilege is not the case for all ordained Episcopal clergy. One thing I learned during my time in Baltimore is that, particularly among Black clergy, the use of an honorific – Pastor, Reverend, Reverend Doctor or sometimes just ‘Doc’ is not just a sign of respect but also a continued act of resistance against a culture that historically did not afford Black clergy much respect anywhere else, a culture that, in the past, has found a home in the Episcopal Church.
For that reason, I would ask and encourage that you refer to the clergy at Nativity as Reverend, Pastor or Father or Mother. (There is another potential conversation around gendered titles in the Church that we can have at a later date.) This is a slight shift from our culture here at Nativity, and I hope it can be one small way that we can continue to practice being the church we are being called to be, a church that respects the dignity of every human, and that does so in ways that acknowledges and honors our history and context.
If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to reach out to either myself or the Rev. George. Either of us would be happy to talk more.
In peace,
Grey+